You’re Not Lucky. He Is
I’ve been that chick who felt SO LUCKY to go out with a guy, like I was the chosen one… and I oozed it like an adoring fan. And guess what? He ate it up! Surprise Surprise.
We had a serious and enduring relationship, and he never allowed me to be on his level- not because he meant to put me down, but because that was just how it was. He had the spotlight, he was the center of attention… and he took full and total advantage of it.
After awhile, I resented him for making me feel like we weren’t playing on the same team, or even in the same league. I stopped trying. He, well, he never really tried in the first place because that wasn’t his role. And suddenly I realized that our relationship was empty. But you know what chickadees? In many ways it was my fault. I set the standard, created the precedent and he enforced it. Which is sad, because we are both great people in our own ways, with a lot to offer- a lot to give, and deserving of a lot to get. But our situation didn’t allow for it, and it had to end. I learned the hard way. You shouldn’t.
Dating and relationships are a give and a get.
When it comes to the first date, you took the time to do your hair, makeup, put on a special outfit, may have even spent money to get a mani/pedi… all he had to do was show up. In return, you are being “taken” out. Think of it this way- you are gifting him with your presence. And that IS a gift. Well, that is IF you know how awesome you are. If you start this could-be relationship on a lower level than he is, you will have a hell of a time realigning your levels. Believe me. I’ve done it.
You are amazing. He is lucky to be with you. If he doesn’t know that, he doesn’t deserve you. You will find someone who does. If you’re going to get, you also have to give. If he is going to get, he also has to give. But here’s the thing: I believe in equality, but relationships aren’t equal. We each contribute in our own ways- both important, but different.
Interested and Interesting.
A relationship isn’t a job interview in which you are hoping to be picked for the position. Who is he? Are you interested in what he has to offer. What are his core values? Do they align with yours? Does he seemingly have the capacity to fulfill your needs? Is he interesting? If you are going to stay interested, for the long term, you HAVE to find him interesting.
And what about you? Are you firm in your core values? Do you know what you bring to the table, and what relationship needs you have the capacity to fulfill? Are you interesting? If you want to keep him interested, you HAVE to be interesting.
He is interested in you, what you have to say, what you do, who you are as a human. Why does this matter? Because he makes you feel important, which helps to boost your self-esteem and makes you want to continue to do interesting things and be an interesting human. It also makes you feel like you aren’t in a one-sided relationship with an egomaniac that loves to be interesting, but not so interested in you.
He is interesting. He does mind expanding things. He goes to eye-opening places. He has a career that you find intellectually stimulating and you actually want to talk and enquire about. He enjoys activities (that you can be incorporated in) that challenge and excite you. He has personal passions that you also find inspiring and would enjoy exploring.
The goal is to find a balance, a give and a get that equals out in the end.