Spring = Break Up Season

Spring is the #2 most popular time to breakup (#1 is 2 weeks before Christmas). Why? Spring Cleaning!

Watch More on KTLA MORNING NEWS

What are some signals that the relationship is about to end?

You stop wanting to be your best self.

You stop putting energy into your appearance, not because you feel comfortable, but because you don’t care.

You are making excuses for her/him with your friends, family, and self.

You feel like you are settling for less that you deserve.

You keep trying to rationalize with yourself and others why you are with her/him.

You don’t want to touch her/him.

You make excuses as to why you can’t have sex or even kiss him/her right now.

Everything and everyone else is more important than spending time with her/him.

 

What are some ways to prepare for a breakup and for the breakup talk?

In order to make your breakup as drama free as possible, don’t make it sudden. Especially if this is a seriously relationship, even though it’s likely coming it an end, this person who you once cared so much for deserves some notice that you are unhappy, as well as the opportunity to try to change.

Remove your partner from the equation, and think about your needs in a relationship. Your needs are things that you must have in order to maintain a relationship or it will fail. For example: respect, mutual adoration, mutual admiration, safe, seen, loved, nurtured, trust, inspired, sexy, appreciated, etc. Now, which of your needs are being met and not met in your relationship. Now think about your core values. Who are you are your core? What defines you? These could be words like drive, passion, family, adventure, introspection, peace, spirituality, self improvement, integrity, etc. Do you and your partner’s core values align? If they don’t align, do you respect and support each other’s core values?

Once you figure those out, then you need to sit down and have a real, honest, calm, loving, but direct conversation about your relationship needs and gently, but honestly and again directly express which are not being fulfilled.

This isn’t the breakup conversation… yet. It’s the preparation. Say something to the affect of “I have been thinking about my needs in a relationship, and you fulfill many of them. I love how you make me feel xxx… But there are several very important needs that aren’t being met and I am wondering if these are things that we can work on, or if we are at an impasse.” Then you explain what those unmet needs are. Come up with a plan together on how she can work on fulfilling them.

If improvement hasn’t happened over about a month, then you need to have another conversation, that will likely end with a goodbye. By being honest and vocal about your needs, you could be surprised that he is actually able to fulfill them, saving your relationship. If not, have another conversation.

When you are ready to have the actual breakup talk, be focused, loving, and honest, but to the point. Don’t make small talk or beat around the bush. Don’t be curt or too long winded. If you cry, that’s ok. Tell him that you care so deeply about him, but that it’s just not working for you because xyz. Tell him that you’re sorry but you have to go. And that’s it. Do not call, text, email, or stalk him after. You and he both have to detox. If you drag it on, if you see each other again “just one last time,” if you call to hear his voice… you’re just prolonging the pain and putting off the happiness that you will have again- with someone else.

breakup

What steps should you take after the breakup to get back on track?

A Breakover- a breakup makeover, is a 12-step program that includes:

1. Realize the reality of the relationship

-Which means that you have to also face your contribution to the breakdown and breakup.

2. Bummers with Benefits: What did you learn from your mistakes?

3. Write down why she’s/he’s an asshole

-You don’t miss her/him. You miss the fantasy of them. It’s time to get real and remember their true and not so pretty colors.

4. Dig in

-You’ve got to address some of your deep seeded issues.

-Then excavate them.

5. Would you date yourself?

6. Get To Know Yourself

-What are your Core Values

-Do you know your Needs vs Wants

7. Go out and online

-No… you are not ready to date. But you are ready to go out and see that there truly are lots of fish in the sea, and that your ex is actually replaceable.

8. Flirt

-Feel sexy and wanted again! Have fun!

9. Renew you! Get a life

-Pursue your passions. Get hobbies. Get out of your box!

10. Refresh your look

-Workout, change your hair style, buy a new outfit!

11. Feel like a man/woman again!

-Do something that scares you and makes you feel like a man/something that makes you feel sexy and beautiful and like a woman!

12. Start dating!

What are some big no-no’s of breakups?

Avoid a real conversation and instead just end it with no description. Definite no-no. After the time and love you have shared, your relationship deserves the respect of a conversation. Don’t just dump her on a whim. If you’ve been really great, you just got back from an amazing vacation, you shared an incredible weekend… but then something insignificant triggered you, you snapped, and ended it. No-no. Instead of doing a knee-jerk breakup that you might regret, take a beat and take a physical break to think about the real issues at hand and if you truly do want to breakup, or you just needed time to reset.