You hate them don’t you? Those dating games that feel more like manipulation than fun, as you stress over what you should do and say, and how to act. Well if you’re looking for love, and craving a real connection… If you’re sick of the games, then stop playing them!
You might not even realize the games you play. You may think that you are just abiding by “the rules,” following the conventional dating expectations that dictate when you should call, not call, make yourself available, pretend to be busy, and tip toe around the truth… which isn’t lying, it’s just not being exactly transparent. Well screw the rules! It’s time to get real. Here are 8 ANTIQUATED bits of Dating Advice, and the NEW Advice that you should do instead:
1. Antiquated Advice: Wait for Sex Until Monogamy
New Advice: Have Sex Whenever You Want! Whether you wait to have sex or not doesn’t determine the potential success of your relationship. Communication does. SO open your mouth before you open your legs- whether it’s on the first date or fiftieth date. As long as you are honest with yourself first about your dating purpose, you are honest with your date about what you’re looking for, and you have sex when you want and because you want, then have sex!
2. Antiquated Advice: Breakup in Person
New Advice: Breakup over text. If you have only been out on 1-5 dates, you are super casual, you haven’t had sex, and you aren’t “officially” boyfriend and girlfriend, a text breakup is fine. I know, it seems cold, but lets be realistic here- if you’re an active dater you are going out with lots of different guys who just aren’t a fit for you. You don’t have to make a whole drama around saying just that: we’re not a fit. Reverse it: if you went out with a guy a couple of times and you liked him, but then he called you and said “hey Laurel, just want to let you know that I’m just not that into you,” and even worse- if he wanted to come over and end it to your face, you’d feel awful, not to mention awkward!
3. Antiquated Advice: Be Perfect, Fun, Easy Going, and Only Talk About Safe Topics
New Advice: If you’re looking for something real, then be real. Show your humanity. Get vulnerable. That’s what makes you lovable. Don’t stick with “safe” subjects like your career, your dog, and your favorite travel spots. Get raw! Open up. Share something about yourself. That’s the purpose of the first date right? To figure out if there is chemistry, if you’re a potential fit, if you share common ground… So why would you hide who you are, avoiding meaty topics that matter, and be careful not to fly potential red flags?
I know… it has been ingrained in your mind, attitude, and therefore conversations and actions that you must publicly embody perfection at all times. You are interesting, intelligent, successful, easy going, and strong. You don’t have a strong opinion about where to go, what to order, or really anything. You’re easy to be with and easy going. You are the type of woman a man would love to bring home to his mother and show off to his boss. You are constantly asked why you’re “still” single. And just as often receiving offers to be setup with your friend’s brother, nephew, or colleague. And despite how “perfect” you are on a date, you can’t get a 2nd date. Why? Because perfect is forgettable. Perfect is a perfectionist. Perfect is boring. Perfect is not relatable. Perfect makes others feel like they have nothing to add and they are therefore not needed. Perfect lacks humanity.
Being imperfect and Authentic is scary, but essential. Be quirky, silly, deep, even vulnerable. That’s what makes you “sticky” and makes you memorable and them wanting more. Are you sticky? Not sure? Contact me to find out how sticky you are and how to be MORE sticky!
4. Antiquated Advice: Don’t reveal too much on the first date
New Advice: OPPOSITE! Be totally open. Fly your red flags, expose your baggage. Be real and get raw. Be open and real so that you can get to know each other in that stripped down state. Relationships that end up ending quickly are often built on superficial grounds: He’s so hot, I love his car, look at her body!, he’s hysterical, she’s so much fun. You fall in love with that, not them. If you want to build a love that lasts, think about a skyscraper. If you build a building and just goes from the ground up, without digging down and creating a foundation first, it is more likely to fall down. Same goes for relationships. Go down before you go up. Sure, he looks hot in a bathing suit, but that’s not enough of a reason to hook up. What else is there to him? Who is he really? Can you have a conversation of substance? Try to understand who they are as a human being. What are their core values? Do their core values align with your core values? When you expose and express your true self, when you open yourself up and you are vulnerable, often times the other person mirrors the same vulnerability back.
5. Antiquated Advice: Let him lead the conversation
New Advice: Take the lead! Model what you want mirrored back. Be the example of your expectation. You are setting the standard, establishing the expectation, and creating a safe space for honesty. Often times women allow the guy to set the tone. We follow how he communicates with us. Why? You can set the tone and still be sweet. You can show how you want to communicate and still be soft and feminine and loving and make him feel like he is in the lead. Share something about yourself, how you feel about it, maybe something you’re not so proud of but you learned a lesson and you’re better and wiser now because of it. When you are vulnerable, they will be too. Your conversation will be more layered and interesting. If you go deep, they will go deep. They will tell you a story that is equally substantive. Then you are creating a connection that is deep, not superficial. And that’s how to create a stronger foundation.
6. Antiquated Advice: Don’t talk about your Ex
New Advice: YES- definitely mention your Ex. Strategically. Think about three things: “Where were you, Where are you, Where are you going?” Talking about your ex says a lot about who you are. Your past experiences help shape who you are today and where you are going. That is if you deliver the information effectively, and doesn’t show that you are affected by them. So how do you do talk about your ex? DO it in a U Strategy. Start at the top of the U- positivity, drop down into the bottom of the U- vulnerability, back up the other side of the U- what you learned. Here’s how to frame it:
What attracted me to them in the first place
1 good moment we had together
When I noticed he wasn’t who I thought he was
How attempted to work on relationship
Knew it was over when
What was my contribution to the demise of the relationship?
What was their contribution to the demise of the relationship?
What could I have done differently from the beginning?
How it felt to end it
What did I learn about myself?
What have I done in the interim to help improve myself
Where am I now?- who am I, has that relationship altered what you’re looking for?
7. Antiquated Advice: Ladies: Offer to Pay.
New Advice: Ladies: Never ever ever offer to pay on a date. Don’t even do the fake reach. Friends go dutch. Business associates go dutch. Dates don’t. What do you want? A friend? A business partner? A job? Or a boyfriend that might lead to a husband?
Ladies… never put your credit card down, do the fake reach, or even offer to pay on a date again. I don’t care if you’re wealthier, uglier, fatter, less popular, more pathetic, or luckier (to be out with him than he is with you). You are the woman. Your presence and radiance is payment enough on that first date. In fact, it’s payment enough on the first several dates. The act of pulling out a credit card or cash from your wallet at the dinner table is a masculine act and it is not for a feminine woman to do.
When the check comes, don’t be awkward. Don’t rush up and go tot he bathroom. Be confident in knowing that it’s ok for him to pay. Let him pay. When he puts that credit card down, look him in the eye, smile, and say “thank you so much. I really enjoyed dinner/lunch/drinks with you.”
This is about your attitude. Women pride themselves on being empowered, which I agree with. But they take it too far in the dating round. We’ve become too gender-neutral, and maybe even gender avoidant, when it comes to dating. It’s about chivalry. You can be a feminist and believe in gender equality, AND gender roles. Yes, we are equal, and we are different. Allow those differences to be celebrated in dating.
8. Antiquated Advice: After the date, you should always wait for him to text to say thank you
New Advice: A guy needs to know that he did a good job and that you are interested in seeing him again. If you don’t text the next day to say “thank you,” he doesn’t know. And because the “rules” have us so screwed up, you are both sitting there wondering who is going to reach out first… then neither of you do because you are waiting for the other to make the first move. Stop following the “rules” and doing what you think you should. Send a text the next morning to say “thank you for drinks. I really enjoyed hearing about your trip to Peru and, you were right- best negroni in town! I would love to see you again…” In saying “I would love to see you again” you are letting him know that you are interested and if he asks you out again, you will say yes.