I don’t want to reach out, he’ll think I’m needy.
If he was into me he would tell me so I guess he isn’t.
It’s not my job to do this, he should be pursuing me.
Maybe I just want to reach out to him because I’m feeling lonely and desperate right now? Or was there really something there?
Just keep yourself distracted so you don’t text him.
Now, all of these assumptions and rules drive me crazy. But I also understand how this feels – SO BEEN THERE.
It can be totally confusing – why can’t the guy just be upfront and have an honest conversation about what he is really thinking, so we don’t feel like we are playing the guessing game?
The truth is, it is actually difficult to be totally honest with ourselves and others and sometimes, and we sometimes just can’t get it out for the fear of feeling uncomfortable and/or hurting someone. Even if the truth was it just didn’t feel like the right connection to them.
That is why it is important for us to tap into what we actually want and express it to him, instead of following the plethora of dating rules that are roaming around in our heads.
Honestly: When you say what you need and desire, you give other people space to be truthful with you too.
So, If you are being plagued by the question “When is it safe to call him?” because a man isn’t being very responsive, this is what you do.
Ask yourself the following questions to help you separate whether reaching out to him is coming from a place of desperation or truth for you:
1) How do I feel about HIM?
Often we get stuck in thinking WAY more about what the man wants, what he likes, and what he’s thinking that we totally disconnect from what WE FEEL. So, if your answer to this starts with anything about, “Well we have had intimate conversations and that makes me feel special.” EHHH – not quite what we’re looking for.
If you are like, “I really like him, I seem to open up in ways I haven’t in the past with other men, or he makes me feel like I can be myself.” This is a GOOD sign, and reaching out to him would be good.
2) What do I really want?
For example, a client of mine is moving from NYC to CA in a few months. She is currently dating a man that she likes a lot, but when she mentioned she was moving to CA, the conversations went from feeling intimate to back to talking like they were on a first date.
She was like, “I would still like to be in a relationship with him, but now he may not want that because I am moving. I am obsessing over this because he hasn’t been in communication regularly after I told him.”
She said, “We are seeing each other this Thursday, so should I ask him if he wants to be in a relationship or if he is scared about the fact that I am moving to CA?”
So I said, “This isn’t about locking him down into a relationship right now, because I can feel you aren’t totally sure and you’re both still getting to know one another. So, just say to him, ‘When I mentioned CA it seemed like you pulled back a bit. I may be making this up, but I could feel that, so I wanted to ask if that has changed the way you see us dating?”
Usually there is a specific question you have that you just need an answer to, versus thinking we need to know EXACTLY how he feels about you or locking down a decision around your relationship status.
Once you pinpoint that specific question that you need an answer to, which for my client was “Did her mentioning CA have him put on the breaks in terms of them dating?” That’s when you can continue to stay present, instead of jumping to “Does he like me enough?”.
3) What’s holding me back from asking for what I want?
Be totally honest with yourself, if it is any of the dating rules I mentioned above then just know that is what is holding you back. Or the idea that you will feel stupid or embarrass yourself. You have 2 choices: Either you say something and ask for what you want or you REALLY get that it doesn’t matter to you and move on.
However, if you can’t seem to move on and are still obsessing about the fact that he hasn’t called or responded then you need to reach out. Get it out of your system.
So, if you’re going through this, ask yourself these three questions and tell me how you are going to reach out to a man you have been thinking about reaching out to in some way or even obsessing about.
I promise this will help!
And if you’re having trouble even exploring those three questions, there are probably some deeper things going on for you. If you want to know what those things are and how you can shift them for good so you don’t settle in love – click here now to join my friend Kavita J. Patel for her totally free 3-part master class series called Soul Level Love starting on September 3rd.
Kavita is kind of big time. I am honored to know her, and I want you to know her too. She has been featured in The Huffington Post, FoxNews, CBSNews,Women’s Health Magazine, Women’s Day Magazine, and Time Out NY, and now ScrewingTheRules, to name a few…