Bachelor In Paradise Shows that Single Moms Are Sexy!

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From Bachelor in Paradise to the CDC, it’s clear that single parents are on the rise… and sexy. Why is dating a single parent sexy? Because there is a higher likelihood that you have your life together, you know how to nurture and care for another, you are strong and independent, you have the capacity for vulnerability, you are organized and dependable, you’re not playing dating games, you know what you want, and you know how to give and receive love.

This is not about promoting the dismantling of the two-parent household; it’s acknowledging that culture is finally catching up with our changing reality.

According to the CDC, 41% of moms give birth while unmarried, with an increase of women over 35 who are becoming single mothers by choice. And 24% of children are living with an unmarried mother.

This season’s Bachelor in Paradise featured several single parents who were some of the most desired contestants on the show. Case in point when single dad Justin chose single mom Cassandra over just single Jaclyn- which lead her to comment that she didn’t realize that being a single mom would give you a leg up on this show!

And then there is Pope Francis who acknowledges that, because 25% of Catholics are divorced (many of whom have children), annulment reforms have been made allowing Catholics to maintain their faith, even if they are separated from their spouse.

The reality is that being a single parent is becoming more and more common, and dating another single parent creates commonality. That being said, you have to remember that you are more than your parental status. Yes, you’re a mom. But you are also an interesting, dynamic, layered, fun, playful, successful, and sexy woman! Whether you’re dating another single dad or someone who is just single, be sure to show all sides of you, while keeping in mind that dating a single mom is different from dating a woman who is just single.

You are a different person now. You can’t go out late, drink too much, or sleep in. You need to have energy and be alert for your little one or you will hate yourself the next day. Still, you have many of the same needs and desires, but you’re not sure how to voice them or have them fulfilled. You don’t want to come across as weak, needy, or desperate, nor do you want to come across as bossy, aggressive, or domineering. You don’t want to be rejected or have demands made on you that you don’t have the time or energy to satisfy. Whether your child is 3 months, 3 years, 13 years, or 30 years you don’t have an excess of time or energy to waste.

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So how do you act and what do you say to make sure that your needs are being met? That’s what I help my clients with everyday. To start, here are 10 Single Mom Dating Tips. Of course, each takes tact, purpose, and confidence and must be communicated in the power feminine voice: Direct, Focused, Assertive, and Sweet, Vulnerable, Authentic. Dating isn’t a game; it’s a dance…

1. Have a “Here I am” attitude.
2. Don’t hide the fact that you are a mom.
3. Make the time.
4. Plan and be present.
5. Be honest with yourself.
6. Let him know what your lifestyle looks like.
7. Put some effort into yourself!
8. Have a life outside of your kids.
9. And TALK about your life.
10. Allow him to be the man.

Let me explain…
1. Have a “Here I am” attitude.
It’s all about how you present yourself. If you go into a situation thinking, “Here I am… do you like me? Am I good enough? What do you think?” they will feel and be turned off by that insecurity. If you go into a situation thinking, “Here I am… I know this is going to be waste of me time, you’re going to disappoint, reject, or not be good enough for me.” You’ll be right. Instead, think, “Here I am… if you don’t like me, that’s ok. I like me. I am here to have an open mind and a cautiously open heart.” Here I am. That’s your new mantra. The way you present yourself is how you will be perceived.

2. Don’t hide the fact that you are a mom.
This is first date conversation. If he can’t handle it, isn’t accepting, judges, or isn’t interested… he’s not for you. Your child isn’t a burden or something to be embarrassed or ashamed of. That being said, you also don’t have to have a serious and weighty conversation about it. It’s all about presentation. If you act like your child is a burden and that your situation is difficult, he will feel that your situation is a difficult burden. And that’s not sexy. Your child is a big part of your life. Period. No big deal. Present the fact in a power feminine way and with pride.

3. Make the time.
You’re busy. Your schedule is tight. You never have enough time. But if dating is important, make the time. Don’t feel bad about leaving your child with a trusted caregiver- be it a family member, friend, nanny, or babysitter. Just make sure to be smart and take the proper precautions. Ex: I shot a video on how to calm my infant if he is crying and also wrote down “10 ways to calm crying Finley”
Then let your date know that, while you do have a full life, you also have time for a social life. It’s a priority to you. Don’t make him feel like you have no time or energy for him. Even though you’re tired, don’t constantly complain about how tired you are- making him feel bad for being out with you. Don’t go on and on about how much you miss your child and how weird it is to be away from her- making him feel bad for being out with you. Be present, in the moment, with your date. Stressing about what you’re not doing will only make what you are doing less successful.

Don’t present it in a way that makes it sound like you have no room time, or energy for him. Don’t present it with hatred or too much love for your ex. Don’t present it with drama.

4. Plan and be present.
Remember that your relationship is also important. Make it a priority. Call, text, and be present when you say you will be. If you know your child has complete breakdowns when you leave, plan to leave early so that you aren’t incessantly late with the excuse of “I needed to calm my child.”

5. Be honest with yourself.
What are you looking for and what are your expectations when it comes to the type of guy you are looking for who will be a fit for both you and your child. Then be upfront with him about them.

6. Let him know what your lifestyle looks like.
Let him in on your schedules, hours, your ex relationship, classes, work, appointments, nanny, and everything else in between. That’s not to say that you need to present your calendar and expect him to memorize it. But he should be aware of your daily basics, understanding where your routines are ironclad and what you can be flexible with. If you let things slide or hide your obligations for his sake, you will likely end up hating yourself and/or resenting him.

7. Put some effort into yourself!
Yes, you’re a mom. Yes, it’s hard to pull yourself together like you used to. Finding time to workout, go shopping, and primping is important! More than looking good to everyone else, it’s about feeling good. You need and deserve to feel sexy, beautiful, and confident again! So make the time to do something for you. Every day.

8. Have a life outside of your kids.
Even if it’s just taking a class once a week, going out to the gym, having a childless standing date with a girlfriend, or starting a mom’s (or just women’s) adventure group in your area- pulling together a group of women to explore interesting activities in your area. You can not be all about and only about your child. Just as some women lose their identity within relationships with men- becoming all about and only about their guy, it’s also common for moms to lose their identity with their children. You were a fully formed and interesting women before you became a mom. Rediscover that woman. If nothing else, it will give you more to talk about on your dates, which will make you more attractive and make men more interest in you… because you are interesting!

9. And TALK about your life.
Don’t just talk about your child. Even if he’s a single dad. Yes, you are a mom, and that side of you is very important and it permeates all other sides of you, but you aren’t only a mom.

10. Allow him to be the man.
Let your guard down a little bit. It’s ok to not always be fortified. I might be scary to be in slightly less control, but if you let yourself, it will feel so good.